One big life chapter has come to an end.

It is really starting to hit home for me. There have been many tears and even a few as I type this. One of the most important chapters of my life is coming to an end. The chapter of starting our family and my journey into motherhood.

For the past 7.5 years I have focused on creating my family, literally from scratch. I had lead a blissfully unaware life up until then, assuming getting pregnant would be easy and having the imagined 3-4 kids would be very “straightforward”. I mean, I had tried for so many years to NOT get pregnant, surely the moment I say “ready” my body will know what to do and lead me into mommyhood, right?

Wrong. So wrong. We worked incredibly hard to create our family. I remember the first time we were pregnant after we got married, I excitedly told a few friends and I could tell one was a little hesitant. Strange I thought. Well, she was right to be wary, I suffered an early miscarriage at about 7 weeks. I was obviously sad but had been made aware that these things were ‘normal’ and the next time will work for sure. It didn’t work and my type A personality became anxious and very focused on starting our family. Tests, referrals, more tests and procedures at fertility clinics over a year and a half time period finally resulted in our sweet Molly arriving into our lives and changing our hearts forever. Almost exactly 2 years after Molly joined us, our sweet Olive was born sleeping. Nothing can ever prepare you to say hello, and goodbye, to your child but we did it surrounding her with grace, love and respect. My desire to get pregnant again after our loss was at an all-time high. So many appointments with fertility clinics, it became my second job and one that I wished I didn’t have to go to. Two miscarriages followed our loss of Olive. We switched clinics because I needed a fresh start and doctors whose first priority was the care of their patients, not the number they could see in a day. After more tests and procedures, and a miracle from above, our sweet angel baby, Charlotte, joined us.

That adds up to 7.5 years of my life.

I loved being pregnant. I loved my OBs. I loved delivery. I loved the newborn stage, the babbling stage, the walking stage, the everything stage. I appreciated and loved every single element of creating my family, very much aware that it isn’t easy and the path can be wrought with obstacles and heartache.

After thinking about all of this, I realize my body has really been a work horse. It has held me up when all I wanted to do was crumble. It endured months and months of hormone drugs. It has created three precious little souls. It has delivered three precious little souls, in all varieties that delivery offers. It has recovered from birth. It has recovered from surgeries. It has managed mental health catastrophes of severe PTSD and depression. I realize I need to be kinder to my body, and treat it with love – it has done so much for me and needs to be in fine form for my next chapter.

Everyone keeps telling me that going back to work will be great, and don’t get me wrong, I do agree that my girls seeing me contribute to the family and work hard is a positive. I know the next chapter, nurturing and caring for my family, will be amazing. But for the moment, all I ask is that you acknowledge my grief around saying goodbye to this most amazing, and traumatic, chapter of my life. Saying goodbye to belly bumps, newborn snuggles and baby ‘firsts’. Our family is complete.

A few more tears. A glass of wine. And tomorrow I turn the page.

**I’m the kind of person that always looks for experiences that I can relate to, that will help me to understand what I’m feeling and to realize that I’m not alone. I decided to share this with you because, in all honesty, I didn’t find very much on the topic.**